Question asked by a parent of A toddler/preschooler:
My son is almost two and a half and has recently bitten our nanny and the other toddler that we do a nanny share with multiple times. He is typically happy, easy-going, and loving so we are not sure why he is doing this. We offer him chew toys which he takes to sometimes and have been talking to him to try and understand this is not good behavior. I’d love to know if you have more insight on this - is this just a phase? Why is he doing this? How can we get him to stop and understand why? Appreciate the help!
Melissa responds:
I am really glad that you decided to reach out and post! I have been working with families for 20+ years and I see this all of the time. So please know that you are not alone!
This toddler behavior is very typical/developmentally appropriate and it happens for several reasons. First, kids at this age, even that can communicate well, do not have the skills to communicate what they are feeling and needing and often use their behavior to communicate. According to Adlerian psychology (which Positive Discipline is based on), all behavior is purposeful and goal-oriented. With that in mind, there are generally two things that drive toddlers' negative behaviors: the need for power & control and the need for attention. So in these situations, your toddler may be just wanting attention. And when someone has a big response to getting bit the attention goes right to the kiddo that did the biting. This can reinforce the behavior.
Now one other thing to note is that a toddler's brain is very underdeveloped and they lack both impulse control and emotional regulation. So these behaviors tend to be very impulsive and may happen without being provoked. It's just the way their brain is wired and over time they are better able to regulate.
So, what can we do when this happens?
#1 We first need to put our detective hat on and try to decipher what our child was trying to communicate. Sometimes even just asking our kids, "Hey sweetie are you needing my attention right now?" can be very revealing. Kids at this age are not even aware of what they are needing/feeling and so often they need help connecting the dots to understand what they are feeling. Once we think we have figured out what they need, we then...
#2 Focus on what we want them to do versus what we don't want them to do. And we do this in just a sentence or two. When we continue to remind and explain they just get more confused and frustrated. So keeping it simple and brief is key! It might sound like, "Sweetie if you want my attention you can say "Mama, look at me" or you can tell them what action you want them to take (for example poking you or tapping somewhere on your body). The poking and tapping is not ideal but is a baby step in the right direction. Often giving them a way to express themself physically is the most age-appropriate way to help them better express themselves during the toddler years.
We want to stay away from focusing on what we don't want them to do. The reason for this is that when we say something "We don't bite" or "biting isn't nice" They are hearing the word bite, which can reinforce biting. Instead, we replace it with what we want them to do because if we don't give them something specific to replace the behavior they will go right back to biting when they experience that feeling/need/drive.
I hope this has helped you better understand what is happening with your little one. I know it doesn't necessarily make it any less stressful when it happens. But I encourage you in these moments when you can put your energy into focusing on what you want your child to do and not what you don't.
Raising toddlers and preschoolers is hard work and the payoff can be amazing! Hang in there mama! This too shall pass...
