Being both kind and firm and fostering a collaborative relationship with your child based on mutual trust and respect is the foundation of all my parenting advice. Often as parents, we fall back on or emulate the way we were raised even when it doesn’t align with our parenting goals. For this reason, I thought it worthwhile to call out what DOES NOT work because if you are relying on any of these three strategies, they are probably draining your energy, wasting your time, and not leading to the results you want. These strategies are going to work against you and fuel power struggles.
NUMBER ONE - THE TIMEOUT CHAIR/ROOM
Ok, I know for many parents it’s their go-to parenting strategy so let’s talk about it. Timeouts were created to give children the opportunity to calm down, regulate, and reflect. Unfortunately, the way most parents use them feels more like a punishment and just adds fuel to the fire. But, if used correctly, they can be effective. But really, what most parents say to their child is, “You need a time out, so go sit on the couch” or “You need to go to your room and calm down.”
This approach to timeouts just isn't super helpful or effective.
What do you think happens when we use a time-out this way? What is the commentary running through a child’s head? Let's just put ourselves in their shoes for a moment.
Most kids are feeling angry, dismissed, powerless, and disrespected. And they might even misinterpret being sent away as a love withdrawal. And what I mean by this, is that in their little brains, they may be thinking/experiencing, “Wow, Mom/Dad must not love me when I mess up. They only want to be with me when I am doing what they want me to. I am not lovable when I make mistakes.” or more simply “I hate them”. And I can guarantee what they aren’t thinking is, “Wow, I really messed up. I shouldn’t have done that. I need to calm down.”
I know that this is not what parents are trying to accomplish by using timeouts in this manner. So don’t worry, there are more effective ways to use timeouts that help children learn to regulate and make better choices.
NUMBER TWO - COUNTING DOWN
You know the “You better _______ before I get to three…. 1…2.. 3..,” with a threat to follow that might sound like “Ok I’m going to take it now.” or “I ‘m not going to take you to the park anymore.” Again, not super helpful. And really, who likes to be counted down on? I know I sure don’t. It makes me feel resistant and angry when someone counts on me.
And when you count, you take away your child’s responsibility of choosing to comply. You are forcing them to do what you want because you are the authority figure, rather than a parent helping them to make a choice to cooperate or not.
And what this practice is communicating to kids, is that I expect you to do what I say without the need for understanding. It also sends the message, “I don’t expect you to do it right away or listen because you have until three.“ And most times it’s more like 5 or 6 because there is usually a 2 and 1/2 and a 2 and 3/4. Right?
When we count down on kids, usually both parent and child’s emotions are starting to escalate. Just the opposite of feeling calm, connected, and cooperative. So, it’s also not an effective strategy. Throw it out!
NUMBER THREE - THREATS & BRIBES
Ok lastly, the third mistake that most parents make at one time, or another is using threats and bribes. These forms of manipulation serve as a major crutch that parents use. And when they are used most parents don’t actually feel great about it, but they use them because they don’t know what else to do. It’s simply a strategy to manipulate kids to do what we want.
We have all tried it at one point and are all guilty. And quite honestly many times they work in the short term. We can get the results we want in the moment. But what most parents don’t realize, is that there is a huge cost to utilizing these tactics in the long term. They can literally backfire.
After routinely using bribes to get kids to do what we want, kids start to expect rewards for doing things that should be expected of them. They say things like “Well what are you going to give me?” or they try negotiating for something they want, which might sound like “You know what, I’ll clean my room if you take me for ice cream”. One of the top complaints from the parents I work with is that their kids are constantly trying to negotiate with them. The fact is they weren’t born with the skill, it was modeled for them.
On the flip side, when threats are consistently used, kids start to retaliate and respond with “So what” because they want to maintain some power and control and are not going to let you wield your power over them.
Let me tell ya, most children do not learn, understand, or value the behavior that they are being bribed or threatened to do. They simply "perform" to either earn the reward or avoid what’s being threatened.
Ideally, we want children to be able to behave without us needing to intervene. By bribing and threatening, we decrease the likelihood they will replicate the behaviors again all on their own. We instead discourage the valued behavior. Research has shown that children lose interest in tasks when they receive extrinsic (external) rewards for them.
You might be wondering, what can a parent do instead of using rewards and threats in their current arsenal? There are a handful of respectful parenting responses that are evidenced based that we can use in lieu of rewards and threats. And these are covered throughout this blog so keep reading to learn other ways to communicate and interact with your child that will get you to where you want to be.
